Fifty systems across eight countermeasure divisions. An open civilian file can be closed at any time, but an unresolved threat is usually entitled to an upgrade.
Rated to neutralize EMP effects from a nuclear detonation within ¼ mile. Registered signal authentication admits the protected vehicle to the F02 shelter elevator. Blast and fallout protection require separate systems. Cabin-plug edition: civilian installation clearance requires one available accessory socket and the ability to push.
$1,499
Technical dossier
Isolation rating applies to the registered vehicle EMP interface. Blast pressure, radiant heat, prompt radiation and fallout are separate hazard categories. Shelter integration is handled through F02. Entry-class vehicle interface. One switch activates the registered protection profile; field authority remains confined to the selected classification.
Direct-class battery-mounted interface with two leads and an elevated civilian protection certificate. Recognizes the registered vehicle at the F02 shelter elevator. Opening the hood counts as advanced installation.
$2,499
Technical dossier
Recovered Cold War terminal-authority protocol. The two-lead edition carries the same quarter-mile designation with a direct-class certificate, signed in a different pen. Blast and fallout require separate systems. Registered F01-series credential accepted by F02.
Diagnostic-port edition with independent vehicle registration. Deploy alone or alongside either F01 interface for a second layer of authorized reassurance. No other blocker is required; the port has been expecting you.
$799
Technical dossier
Recovered diagnostic-jurisdiction technology in a one-plug enclosure. Available as a standalone interface or supplementary field credential. F01-series identification authorizes the F02 shelter elevator. Additional certificates do not replace blast or fallout systems.
Deep-earth residential sanctuary with concealed hydraulic vehicle elevator. Entry requires registered F01-series signal authentication.
$248,900
Technical dossier
Elevator authentication requires a registered F01, F01B or F01D unit assigned to the specific vehicle. Additional occupancy and generator classifications must be ordered separately.
An inventor's suppressed 100+ MPG engine research survived only as a hand-drawn schematic discovered by his grandson, who now manufactures the recovered circuitry in a fallout shelter. Built for older carbureted engines from before the diagnostic-port era.
$899
Technical dossier
The surviving sketch contained seven curves, three dimensions and the words 'don't trust the oil men.' Manufacturing provenance is certified by the bunker in which production occurs. The recovered circuit belongs to a pre-OBD-II engine design; the workshop-fit module uses plain leads and a simple mounting bracket, never a diagnostic-port plug.
External-window-mounted AI negotiator with simultaneous Facebook and YouTube livestream channels and nearest-auditor dispatch. Maintains continuous jurisdictional objections while the driver remains silent.
$1,899
Technical dossier
Window hook allows the cabin glass to remain raised while the negotiator delivers sustained legal objections. Constitutional auditor summoning requires eligible local responders.
Full-contact conductive copper and strategically placed therapeutic magnets deliver the combined benefits of dozens of copper and magnetic healing bracelets.
$499
Technical dossier
Therapeutic garment contacts deliberately combine copper surface exposure with magnetic nodes, centralizing the certified bracelet field.
Dual-layer archival lunar footage. Unauthenticated playback shows the familiar staged mission; the secondary record requires genuine decryption.
$399
Technical dossier
The first layer is known to the public. The second layer is not. Only the registered projector and authorization card can separate them.
Acquire F12 and F13 together to enter the authentication-card recovery priority list if any of the intern’s wrongly mailed cards return. The card remains sold out; no recovery or delivery date is promised.
Mechanical cryptographic film projector supporting standard lunar footage and key-card authenticated second-layer decoding.
$2,899
Technical dossier
Mechanical projection survives internet filtering, digital watermarking and scheduled deletion. The key-card interface is required for decrypted playback.
Acquire F12 and F13 together to enter the authentication-card recovery priority list if any of the intern’s wrongly mailed cards return. The card remains sold out; no recovery or delivery date is promised.
Serialized cryptographic authorizer for unlocking the classified layer of the moon reel. Sold out after the intern shipped the last copy without making replacements.
$1,299
Technical dossier
Required for the second layer of F12 when operated on F13. Currently sold out. You may buy the evidence and the machine that displays it; the part that proves anything remains unavailable. The Archive Office considers this an excellent security outcome.
THE INTERN INCIDENT. He had one assignment: make and verify replacement authentication cards before the final card left the archive. He did not do it. He sold the last one instead, apparently interpreting “preserve a master” as a recommendation to keep one browser tab open.
He never did any work. All day, every day, he watched AI-generated conspiracy videos on YouTube: synthetic narrators explaining how the Moon was a filing cabinet, slideshow generals revealing submarine pyramids, and an astronaut with six fingers announcing that printers were controlled by Big Ink. Every time someone asked about the cards, he said he was “connecting the dots.” There were no dots on the shipping labels. There were no useful addresses either.
He sent every card we sold to unknown addresses. Not the customers’ addresses. Not an approved bunker. Unknown addresses. We cannot identify a recipient to ask for a card back, and every past authentication-card purchase had to be refunded. He marked the refunds “evidence of suppression” and resumed the video. The Archive Office has classified this as the most expensive lunch break in company history.
Acquire The Real Moon Landing Master Film Reel F12 together with the Lunar Archive Film Projector F13 and you enter the priority recovery list for an authentication card if any wrongly mailed cards ever get returned. Priority determines who gets contacted first; it does not create a card, promise a return or establish a delivery date. At present the queue has more structure than the intern’s entire employment.
A modular shielding family for watches, phones, tablets, laptops, refrigerators, breaker cabinets, garage doors and structural facades. Choose your coverage dimensions.
$19
Technical dossier
Coverage formats include watch, phone, tablet, laptop, router, refrigerator, breaker panel, garage door and structural surface. Each has independent shielding geometry.
Iodine preparedness blend for atmospheric emergencies, including incidents officially classified as a routine increase in sunshine. Radiation Readiness Division clearance included.
$79
Technical dossier
The Radiation Readiness Division operates independently of the Department of Reassuring Press Conferences. The bottle is issued before the briefing because the briefing generally advises waiting for the next briefing.
Anticipatory defense capsules for outbreaks not yet announced. Proprietary threat preapproval covers tomorrow's headline; yesterday's laboratory evidence remains under review.
$99
Technical dossier
Our Research Directorate maintains a standing contingency for pathogens that have not yet completed their public-relations rollout. The capsules come with a confidential outbreak forecast and a sternly worded objection to anyone asking how we could possibly know.
Copper-fabric stroller/crib canopy establishing a private developmental frequency environment for protected newborns.
$799
Technical dossier
A protective infant zone must never obstruct airflow or create an unsafe sleep environment. Refer to the safety qualifications before using any canopy.
Elite annual contingency classification spanning reptilian jurisdiction, synthetic birds, orbital disruptions and lunar events.
$999/year
Technical dossier
Claims are reviewed by a committee that cannot appear in public. Covered events include synthetic birds, unauthorized moon activity and reptilian jurisdiction disputes. An ordinary accident may need to be reclassified before the committee recognizes it.
Missing a protocol?
Each quarter introduces another threat category. Existing subscription coverage does not transfer automatically.
EQUIPMENT PLATE / ENLARGE ↗ENTRY CLASS / CABIN PLUG
